Ups and downs

Grad school has been really tough on me. Specifically, my PhD. I don't remember feeling so many downs, or trepidation, insecurity, deflated confidence issues that these past few years have brought to me. I was the gung-ho person in my masters program, extremely driven, and there was never a doubt in my mind that I was going somewhere, that each step would take me to a better place.

I had a hard talk with my advisor recently because I defaulted on my dissertation proposal goals. I know I set myself back by a few months. It's not too late for me to graduate on the time table I originally proposed, but I have not been meeting with him regularly, giving him my updates... I haven't been myself, pushing towards my goals. I've been avoiding my proposal. He put the hammer on me in this meeting. He didn't understand why I was shuffling my feet. He thinks it's a matter of being internally motivated, but he doesn't know why I'm not.

What happened to me? I know the me who came into this program was very different. Maybe I was too arrogant about my abilities, but I'm certainly not stupid even now (grad school definitely makes me feel like I'm losing it). At least, I don't believe it more days than I do. I talked with Garima about this - how badly I felt after my meeting with him, what I think has happened to me, what's going on? I think I know. There have been so many setbacks in this program - from being cheated out of co-authorship on a publication, being given tasks that were way over my head, missteps in coursework, bungling on my core exams, and then finally, after all of that... exiting into a structureless environment. Feeling insecure about what I'm capable of... being isolated... I have never felt a period of life where it seemed that no one understood what I feel and that I have no one to talk to about this. So alone. Sometimes I even question myself and what grad school has done to my social abilities, my happiness, my sense of self.  Seriously, why all the questions? What happened to me?

I'm insecure. I need to build confidence in my abilities again, but first, I need to be able to let things go. I need to have a thick skin and it's all in the past. I can only move forward. As Garima says, I need to convey that there's no way they can get rid of me. Even if it takes me 10 years (it WILL NOT), I am not leaving here until I have my PhD in hand. They can tell me I'm stupid, but fine - so what? I'm here to learn and I won't always be stupid. At this point, everyone is here to help ME. This is my opportunity to be something amazing. Remember this. And if you ever feel the same dread and sickness in your stomach of failure, take Nicole's advice and go talk to a therapist. It's ok to seek advice on how to cope; you might need to be told that this happens to many grad students. You might need advice on how to let things go, to forget, to move on productively.

The one thing I've been looking forward to more with these daily and dominant struggles, is my running. I've been babying myself and am still not keeping true to my savings goals and shopping like crazy. I have a ton of Oiselle gear at this point and stalk their blogs and website every day. Sigh. It makes me so happy, it's like seeing a light in a faraway tunnel. Someday I will have a community I belong to again. And someday, I hope I will be a formal part of that community!

Running-related bucket lists:

• Run a sub-4 hour marathon. (One that I am proud of)
• Qualify for the Boston Marathon
• Qualify for the Gansett Marathon
• Run Chicago, Big Sur, and Bay to Breakers

John is ridiculous.

I adored this pic and showed it to him, giggling.  

 

Here's what he sent me back:

What do I choose to subject myself to...

Consumerism and the eternal hunger for acquisition

Well, the bad news is that in March and probably April (already, gah!), I will have defaulted on my savings goals.  The good news is that I will be stylin' - some of it will be reinforcing my running goals and the others, just fanning my vanity, ha.  Here's what I bought recently.

 

 I just discovered Oiselle a few weeks ago on theclymb.com and was compelled to check out their website to get an idea of how the fits were.  I have been obsessed ever since!  This is a fun "Stripey" shirt with thumbholes. I've already taken it for several runs and while it's a bit large, it works perfectly for those 30 degree runs!  Unfortunately for my "wish list," it's gotten obese with all the Oiselle "wants" I've added.

Now,  onto the bigger purchases, *cue the doom music*

 

Stella McCartney for adidas, the Ready to Dance gym bag.

Oh yes. I had been eyeing this baby for several months, obsessively stalking it as the lion hunts the gazelle.  Or, the poor graduate student swarms the website every day, waiting for the price to drop within her budget...  Finally, after months of waiting, I decided to just take the plunge since the price wasn't budging below 50% off full retail value.  

 

Kate Spade Charlotte Street Sylvie handbag.  

Oh my gosh... Once the floodgates opened, they could not be contained!  Another closely coveted item, I wanted this purchase (FRV at $398) to drop below $200 and I kept watching it, hoping it would... But it never did.  Finally, it just disappeared from the site and I thought that was it.  But then a few days ago, I was just browsing the site randomly and saw it reappear!  At that point, I decided I would just get it.  And now I wait for its arrival tomorrow...


And for the literary geek in me...

   

 

The Flannery O'Connor anthology by Library of America: I decided to take the plunge on this, as I'm following Yale Professor of English Hungerford's set of online lectures on Modern American Literature, one which features "Wise Blood," and with my own Classic Literature book club in the mist of reading the set of short stories "A Good Man is Hard to Find," this purchase seemed economically reasonable. As an avid [paperback] book collector, I never gave credence to hardcovers, but this book is BEAUTIFUL.  Truly, a lovely, lovely book.  I will be on the lookout for more Library of America editions in the future. Highly recommended to fellow book worms!

Richard Wright's loosely autobiographical, Black Boy:  So what was the impetus for this random book selection?  Well, since graduate school, I've let my literary analytic go to waste.  After a book club meeting that I thought was interesting, but more resembled an instance of the blind leading the blind just grasping in the darkness, I hungered for the expert analysis of someone who knew books!  A fellow book club member suggested an online lecture for interpretation of our Cervantes selection and that's where I discovered more online lectures and finally, wa la! Professor Hungerford's set of lectures.  I must say that this was a surprisingly quick read.  Wright is amazing - a one of a kind man, who is a minority even among minorities.  He was always individualistic and evaluating of life and social norms such that he would never fit in.  It's as Hungerford characterizes the book - one driven by an "identity" plot, where we have the protagonist who does not fit among any of the identities he holds membership to, and herein the struggle creates the story.  As a result, I have Native Son sitting on my night stand, queued up on the precariously high stack of books that I must read sometime soon.

At Large and at Small, Anne Fadiman.  Erudite, obscure in her geeky loves, witty, delightfully elitist.  I love her writing.  Set of essays that celebrates many random things like her and her brother's love for collecting insects, their shared love of ice cream, her fascination with Charles Lamb and Coleridge, and her defense of night owl ways.  (Thank you!  Why must we be made to feel guilty by all normal early riser, early sleepers?!)  It was a total bargain buy, which made me smile and need to get it at once.

Finally, "Mostly Harmless".  Ah, prolific economists in my field.  This somehow led to me searching up Thomas Strauss' info and then stumbling upon a syllabus for his class on poverty, human resources, and economic development.  The funny thing is that this syllabus is 32 pages long!  It now goes on the bucket list of things to read to really know my field.  Also has me thinking about where I'd like to end up by the end of all of this...  Anyway, the book is an accessible application of major studies in research design and econometrics.  It reads quite easily compared to other texts, is cheap, and functions well as a refresher to all that I've forgotten!  After recommendations by someone in my field, spotting Lauren reading it, and finally, Jade!, it was time to get it myself. 

There are more, and I will update as they arrive.  But it hasn't been a good couple of months for my wallet, also because of the fact that I decided to pull the trigger on a bunch of races I had been considering!  One, the Anthem Half Marathon during St. Patty's weekend that Amanda, Erin, and I decided not to run.  There went $95, down the hole... But I guess my foot was in bad condition at the time, so it was justified...

The hunger to run
Here is a meaningful quote that really hits home after this past month of dealing with my navicular tendon and knee injury.  From Runner's World:

My injury was devastating. But I decided I wouldn't feed negative thoughts. I was going to surround myself with positive people, imagine the best outcomes, and bathe myself in awesomeness.

Lauren Fleshman, two-time U.S. 5-K champion, after an IT injury forced her to refocus her 2012 Olympic Trials goals

 How true - if only I could have adopted that kind of attitude after all this time.  Gosh, I still remember the morning I got in a fight with John after coming back from the bad 16 mile run... I was bawling because I felt this training was ruined and my goal of hitting a marathon this April was ruined.  In many ways, it was all true.  But it took me a month to believe it was ok.  I will do a marathon this summer or fall, and I will be stronger when I do it.  Which brings me to my next discussion...

George and Sierra have been lobbying for me to do the Grandfather Mountain Marathon.  I gotta say, I mapped out the course after assiduously following the turn-by-turn instructions on the website... I think they don't call it "One of America's toughest marathons" for nothing...  Am I crazy enough to do this?  But on another hand, I love our running group and I want to continue with them after this training session!

And finally, Cherry Blossom 10 miler is coming up this weekend!  I am just insane enough to do a slow and steady long run with Tamara the day before the race.  I'm not really concerned about the race, actually.  But it might be stupid of me to cram in a 14 miler right before a ~5 hour drive to DC and then do a 7:30 am 10 miler the next day... and the ~5 hour drive back.  That might constitute insanity.

Race bucket list:
Boston Marathon, Chicago, Gansett!, Big Sur

This puts things into perspective.

http://www.upworthy.com/10-amazing-international-photos-that-will-give-you-some-perspective?c=ufb1

http://imgur.com/a/mN8Zs?gallery

Why do some people have so much, while others have so little?