Ups and downs

Grad school has been really tough on me. Specifically, my PhD. I don't remember feeling so many downs, or trepidation, insecurity, deflated confidence issues that these past few years have brought to me. I was the gung-ho person in my masters program, extremely driven, and there was never a doubt in my mind that I was going somewhere, that each step would take me to a better place.

I had a hard talk with my advisor recently because I defaulted on my dissertation proposal goals. I know I set myself back by a few months. It's not too late for me to graduate on the time table I originally proposed, but I have not been meeting with him regularly, giving him my updates... I haven't been myself, pushing towards my goals. I've been avoiding my proposal. He put the hammer on me in this meeting. He didn't understand why I was shuffling my feet. He thinks it's a matter of being internally motivated, but he doesn't know why I'm not.

What happened to me? I know the me who came into this program was very different. Maybe I was too arrogant about my abilities, but I'm certainly not stupid even now (grad school definitely makes me feel like I'm losing it). At least, I don't believe it more days than I do. I talked with Garima about this - how badly I felt after my meeting with him, what I think has happened to me, what's going on? I think I know. There have been so many setbacks in this program - from being cheated out of co-authorship on a publication, being given tasks that were way over my head, missteps in coursework, bungling on my core exams, and then finally, after all of that... exiting into a structureless environment. Feeling insecure about what I'm capable of... being isolated... I have never felt a period of life where it seemed that no one understood what I feel and that I have no one to talk to about this. So alone. Sometimes I even question myself and what grad school has done to my social abilities, my happiness, my sense of self.  Seriously, why all the questions? What happened to me?

I'm insecure. I need to build confidence in my abilities again, but first, I need to be able to let things go. I need to have a thick skin and it's all in the past. I can only move forward. As Garima says, I need to convey that there's no way they can get rid of me. Even if it takes me 10 years (it WILL NOT), I am not leaving here until I have my PhD in hand. They can tell me I'm stupid, but fine - so what? I'm here to learn and I won't always be stupid. At this point, everyone is here to help ME. This is my opportunity to be something amazing. Remember this. And if you ever feel the same dread and sickness in your stomach of failure, take Nicole's advice and go talk to a therapist. It's ok to seek advice on how to cope; you might need to be told that this happens to many grad students. You might need advice on how to let things go, to forget, to move on productively.

The one thing I've been looking forward to more with these daily and dominant struggles, is my running. I've been babying myself and am still not keeping true to my savings goals and shopping like crazy. I have a ton of Oiselle gear at this point and stalk their blogs and website every day. Sigh. It makes me so happy, it's like seeing a light in a faraway tunnel. Someday I will have a community I belong to again. And someday, I hope I will be a formal part of that community!

Running-related bucket lists:

• Run a sub-4 hour marathon. (One that I am proud of)
• Qualify for the Boston Marathon
• Qualify for the Gansett Marathon
• Run Chicago, Big Sur, and Bay to Breakers

It's all about the data

Ahhhhhh!  I knew this was the way it's going.  After all, my field is dominated by economists.  Everyone with a big voice in development is trained quantitatively.  Plus, governments, donors, and thinktanks are all pulling for evidence-based policy nowadays, which is heavily slanted towards statistical, nationally-representative, large-scale research.  But it's limited!  Economics as a field views poverty so narrowly - as a matter of consumption and income.  (Consumption because it's easier to measure and can be a more accurate indicator of "wealth" than income.)  It may suit a nation to compare poverty trends and dynamics internally, but it can be hard to compare across countries.  More concerning, the perspective that welfare is about meeting 2,150 calories neglects other aspects that we should be measuring - like nutritional welfare.  As Ravallion put it, we are only measuring consumption deprivation, not nutritional deprivation.  Yes, meeting a basic caloric standard is important, but what about making sure people are eating nutritious foods and not predominantly starches?

I have to side with Sen on this... we must look beyond meeting these indicator thresholds and allow people to make decisions which maximize their own happiness.  That is, create an environment where individuals are free to pursue the life decisions which make them happy.  And there are so many other forms of deprivation aside from consumption that influence poverty.  What about vulnerability, human capital investment, systematic factors like intergenerational mobility, economic opportunity, or freedom from tyranny of the government?  Economists have a hard time dealing with these difficult questions, like measuring what it is that makes an individual "happy".  It's all a numbers game - binary, categorical, discrete... If the data doesn't fit into those forms, or the questions and responses are difficult to capture and analyze, quantitative research is discouraged from pursuing them.

Maybe after everyone shifts to quantitative skills, my mixed-methods will be in greater demand, since no one will be doing qualitative research anymore, haha.

/* Afterthought:  Jeremy "Linsanity" is blazing through news and my FB feed.  Here's a good article illustrating his feel good story, and for myself, some optimism.  I especially love the Judy Garland quote they have: “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”  So true!  Must find my own niche. */

Rough day

Some advice:
* For relationships
(Afterthought: and this to be a better gf) 
* For money

Also got the reading list for Field Part 1.  It's go time.  Sigh.