I wish I could streamline my thoughts in Jen's post forum with this blog.
Last night was rough. I tried to be positive about things, but at times, it was too difficult. I think John made some facetiously negative remarks earlier in the day that brought me down a bit, then later, we got into a full-fledged argument about how I unfairly blamed him for a sudden audio-outage during videochat while I was asleep. Then, after, about Harvard and his former desire to be a resident tutor. During the argument, I felt myself growing distant and increasingly silent as I no longer felt the urge to fight him. I don't know what has been happening, but apathy about this relationship has been sinking in the more we've been fighting. I think I'm tired of it all and becoming more ok (at least in theory) with a break up. I again told him I wanted to break up, and between his 2012 stance of a recalcitrant "no we're not" and all these fights, I am closer to resigning in separation. There was another instance recently where I realized that I said some things to John, knowing full well these were things that bothered him (making fun of his "Boston girl friends" and how we were broken up), but not caring how he would feel. I went into such a funk when I realized that. Hurtful, thoughtless girl! This is not who I am... but the more we fight, the more distant I am and the less I care. I need to stop this. When he made a passive-aggressive remark about how if this relationship persists, he will die 10 years prematurely because each time, he feels a tightening in his chest. That hurt me and I thought, we really should not be in this destructive relationship. But it doesn't need to be our end - we just need the drawn-out conflict to end. I believe I can make him happy. I am capable of being thoughtful and considerate and I know when we are in good moods, we make each other happy. We are both multifaceted in ways such that going through a regular day is amusing and interesting... Like lying in bed together, just talking and reflecting on moments of our shared days, he'll make a joke and I will laugh full-heartedly and want to kiss him. Or some of the bigger crazy moments, like running across Harvard Bridge. Or, locking myself out of my apartment right before I was supposed to take him to the airport last Tuesday and having him hoist me through my kitchen window as I burgle my way back in. (Luckily, we still had time to make a pre-airport Cook Out run!) Love those moments.
Last night was rough. I tried to be positive about things, but at times, it was too difficult. I think John made some facetiously negative remarks earlier in the day that brought me down a bit, then later, we got into a full-fledged argument about how I unfairly blamed him for a sudden audio-outage during videochat while I was asleep. Then, after, about Harvard and his former desire to be a resident tutor. During the argument, I felt myself growing distant and increasingly silent as I no longer felt the urge to fight him. I don't know what has been happening, but apathy about this relationship has been sinking in the more we've been fighting. I think I'm tired of it all and becoming more ok (at least in theory) with a break up. I again told him I wanted to break up, and between his 2012 stance of a recalcitrant "no we're not" and all these fights, I am closer to resigning in separation. There was another instance recently where I realized that I said some things to John, knowing full well these were things that bothered him (making fun of his "Boston girl friends" and how we were broken up), but not caring how he would feel. I went into such a funk when I realized that. Hurtful, thoughtless girl! This is not who I am... but the more we fight, the more distant I am and the less I care. I need to stop this. When he made a passive-aggressive remark about how if this relationship persists, he will die 10 years prematurely because each time, he feels a tightening in his chest. That hurt me and I thought, we really should not be in this destructive relationship. But it doesn't need to be our end - we just need the drawn-out conflict to end. I believe I can make him happy. I am capable of being thoughtful and considerate and I know when we are in good moods, we make each other happy. We are both multifaceted in ways such that going through a regular day is amusing and interesting... Like lying in bed together, just talking and reflecting on moments of our shared days, he'll make a joke and I will laugh full-heartedly and want to kiss him. Or some of the bigger crazy moments, like running across Harvard Bridge. Or, locking myself out of my apartment right before I was supposed to take him to the airport last Tuesday and having him hoist me through my kitchen window as I burgle my way back in. (Luckily, we still had time to make a pre-airport Cook Out run!) Love those moments.
Positive notes:
Had a bad day yesterday, but today the sun was shining and it felt like a good day.
Feeling like I can tackle the next segment of my comprehensive exam, although I am a little behind.
I can see my comprehension of field literature improving!
Looking forward to grasping things that are still out of reach, and learning more as time progresses.
Had a bad day yesterday, but today the sun was shining and it felt like a good day.
Feeling like I can tackle the next segment of my comprehensive exam, although I am a little behind.
I can see my comprehension of field literature improving!
Looking forward to grasping things that are still out of reach, and learning more as time progresses.
(and good memories)
Feeling like I'm gaining a step towards recovery in the relationship, post-conflict.
Bought John some food from Cinderella's so he didn't have to leave his apartment or go through his usual indecisive agony when figuring out what to eat (what a weirdo!).
Watched him sheepishly slink into his room after fully stripping for a shower because he "forgot something." Hahahaha, wtf!
Looking at his puffy, lab-burned (?) face throughout the day.
Looking at his puffy, lab-burned (?) face throughout the day.
Feeling reassurance when he made me tell him I love him. After I extracted his admission that he is my yummy bean, of course.
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